Apology I

A single smile is perhaps the best memory i have of you but now i can only imagine the sadness in your dark brown eyes and i must say that I'm sorry i am sorry that i could not be the stability you wanted me to be that i promised you the earth, stars and the moon but couldn't even point you in that direction if my life depended on it I'm sorry that for too long i believed that i could change your life
the way i was with just sprinkling a love that now kills me to say perhaps was never really there because only now that you are not here and that my confusion can't hurt you can i say that had i not been so young i would have blamed myself entirely for the way these last six years between you and I have turned out but at 12, how could i possibly have known any better? that as a child i bred this cult of loving you of believing that this would be the most beautiful of loves after all we are children with very similar beginnings
how could i not dream
of wedding pictures illuminating
the cradle of our family's lifeline
how could i not dream of returning to the sky that saw us grow up
and eat from the same mango trees
and only now do i realize
that was the child in me
wanting to have the perfect marriage my parents did not have
the marriage that your parents did not have
how could i not dream of beautiful children
with locks of brown hair
and simple smiles
for the last six years of my life
this dream of you and I

has been the smallest drop of stability that i have held onto
and only now do i realize
that i bred a love
i could not cultivate
we once talked of planting peach pits
how sometimes they would spring up
and we wouldn't even know
but now six years down the line
we know that this was not one of those moments
because instead of giving you clear blue water
i gave you the salty tears
i kept inside of myself
i bathed myself under your insecurities
and did not offer you
what i should have offered you

a true love that would have overcome everything...
and for that i am sorry