damaged

i admit that at the moment i am behaving irrationally
perhaps i am being immature
and acting young

the best part being i don't give a shit

i am currently in my room
having stayed away from you as much as possible this weekend
i am pretending to sleep
while you are downstairs with all your friends

for the most part
i am comfortable being this distant
i could care less

what is the point
of falling for someone
who is leaving in months time?

i am indifferent to this
and im okay with that
i dont know if you are

its like
i see this coming
and i feel this desperate urge to alienate myself
to cope with my loss before it occurs

to take my little damaged torn heart
and hold it in my hands
to feel its beat
and tell it that its fine
that i will be there
that the sooner the separation comes the better

i can say
that in my countless hours of sleeping
that in your presence
that in the same table with your parents and family
I HAVE BUILT MY WALL

in my pride
im not going to knock it down
i am leaving it there
because im not doing this again

i refuse to get this close
just to see how it feels like again
to have my heart torn into pieces again

i have been there too many times
i can't get close again
i don't want to

i have been sidetracked too many times
and this isn't the kind of thing i want

and although you have never broken my heart
i have already been damaged
and im not ready

i was never ready and know i am left
with my wings torn at my knees
understanding
that it isnt you
who holds me back
but my own fears...

and i have already forgiven myself for this
so i will be fine