failure

i have lost
and i feel as i if i lost everything

i could never question my faith
but amid my confusion
i lost sight of my God
can't help but think
that from the sky above
he is frowning down upon me
for all that i have done
i may never be forgiven

in my attempt to become someone else
some laughing, smiling, beautiful girl
i lost a world of morals
did things i should have never done
and like Kanye says
the prettiest people do the ugliest thing

i have not become the girl
i have not been the scholar i set out to be
instead of hitting the ground running
i tripped, i fell, and scraped myself along the way
i lost sight of the finish line

and now i find myself here
and i deserve this bottomless hell i have submerged myself into
my tears i deserve
i should cut my skin so that the scars
never leave me
i deserve this
because along the way
i gambled my dreams
and nothing is going to stay

somewhere along the lines
i forgot this is all i have
i forgot that i dont have anything else
going for me
but the attempt to become someone in this world

i can only think back to mami & papi
and im sorry
i dissapointed them
i have faded away from being their golden child
and i have wronged them, wronged myself

i have been in an overnight battle inside myself
at the point in between caring and not caring
but i know that i cant stop this early on
but perhaps this is the fate of promising children like myself
to just fade into the oblivion
of expectations i didnt meet

and i can truly tell myself
that im weak, full of hatred, and i have lacked self love
or perhaps i tricked myself into thinking i was some sort of motivated, talented kid which i am not

and i lost
i might just throw the towel
not look forward to being a mom
look forward to being a college graduate
an urban planner
or anything else
and if TOMORROW DOESNT COME, IM NOT GOING TO MISS IT BECAUSE I WONT KNOW WHAT IM MISSING