an unsent letter

it may come hard to admit this, but i have never been great at saying how i feel...as much as i can talk, it might come as a surprise to many...honestly i hardly ever have trouble talking, and most of the time i can talk about almost anything. the big exception being that i can't talk about how i feel...

it may drive you crazy, but thats okay.
there a bunch of things about you that at one point drove me crazy. i have just gotten over them. there many times that you said things that terribly bothered me, my natural response was to tell you that it bothered me. but i did something completely unnatural to me. i just stayed quiet. i remember so many things bothering, and eventually i got here, the point in which nothing you say or do, can disturb me...and looking onto that now, that is kind of sad. every time you would mention an ex, or someone you messed with, i would retaliate and in my mind or perhaps i would go as far as telling you about my past moments with so and so. because that was the only way that it wouldn't hurt me. because even though they were all before me, it kind of in a tiny way sucks to know, that there were sooo many before me. that makes it not one person who lives in your heart and mind, but rather a bunch of them...there were so many names and too many faces too remember...i just didn't want to be one of them...

then we had the whole situation with her, and although she is a sweetheart, i will never forget the way i felt when she sat on your lap, in my presence. or how she reminded me that saying bye to you, was going to be devastatingly hard. how should that have made me feel, here i was battling all these names and faces, trying to get a little piece of your heart, and holding back my tears because i was in the process of giving you my heart, and then someone reminds me that these last couple of months have been nothing compared to the years you too have shared.


i remember that everytime i had tried to talk to you about one thing or another, you seemed to just use your words, in a way that would pacify me, but then i would hang up the phone or walk away from you...and feel that nothing was resolved. and then i never felt like bringing those issues up again.

it always seems that females just cling to you...and to a 18 year old like myself, these woman look silly and pitiful! and from the moment we first met, and i witnessed, 20-something year old women giving me jealous looks, and trying to figure out where i came in the play...i vowed to never be silly, it isn't me...i'm sorry


i also remember crafting a memory book, filled with countless pictures from your college career. filled with smiling faces i had never met, and realizing that there was always something before me, and that in that same manner there will always be something after me...


and sometimes i feel awful, about the way i never said something terribly sweet to you, or gushed about you, or told you how much i missed you when one of us went away. because i know it would have meant a lot to you, to hear that...

somewhere along the line, i realized i wasn't going to become emotionally involved with you. and today i can honestly say that i have succeeded. in a couple of weeks time, you will be leaving and most likely this will not go on...i will walk away with some very beautiful memories of a wonderful spring, but i will not be hurt by your departure. instead i feel that at one point or another i needed you in my life, to be someone who i could learn from. i did exactly that i learned from you, and now the train has left...