first loves

i think i might have drunk way too much chai, and i'm listening to aretha, and i have got this thought about life or rather relationships...

you know how you always hear, that one should love like you have never been broken
i remember listening to that and thinking 'that is such a good thing', but now i'm thinking that the person who probably said that didn't have a single clue what they were talking about!!!

i mean who hasn't looked at all these beautiful couples our age walking around, and girls our age, simply gushing and smiling, talking about 'oh i love him just thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssss

ssssssssss much', and just wanted to tap them on the shoulder and be like 'yo homegirl, that's cute and all, but no one our age ever lasts, so don't bring out the wedding planner yet'.

maybe i'm just a hater, but then i remember that if i knew what i know now, i probably would have never given my heart away. i would have guarded it with a sword, and would have never returned calls, or would have cut many nights short...but then again the sweet is never as sweet without the bitter

i think back to all the nights i spent holding my pillow swallowing my tears, because a relationship wasn't going the way i wanted it too, or because i had built up way to many expectations and had traveled too far in time, with a ticket that had yet to paid in full. to the times i had to return everything that didn't belong to me, all the hearts i never fully occupied...i think of all the names, all the guys [there haven't been that many though], all the moments...and it fades away

its like the pain, the tears, the angry confusing moments, in which i had to ask 'why me? aren't i ready for love God, why doesn't this work, why???'
but now i know that the pain fades, and the only think that remains is the bittersweet moments, and wayy too many lessons learned!

if there is one thing that heartbreak teaches you though,is the value of friends . the friends who held us when we cried, who consoled us, and made us laugh, when otherwise we couldn't crack a smile. the friends who watched us get our hearts broken, and knew that we wouldn't listen to caution, because love knows no reason... i can't tell you how many times my friends told me, 'hey babe, listen i don't think he's the guy for you', seeing something i had yet to see, and i never listened. and that the catch, love knows no reason!
so the bestest of friends, just throw their hands in the air, and allow us to enjoy the ride, knowing we might have to throw up afterwards...

and maybe that's also the hidden joy of love, that something that entice us in. that rollercoaster that we get so excited to go on, not knowing whether its going to be good or bad, just hoping that its more than good! and sometimes you can forget that you aren't alone in the ride, that there are people next to you, and behind you, hoping that you enjoy the ride, that you find that love we all are looking for.

and i realized today, that the love of friends is equally as important as the love in a relationship...
because how else would we make it through everything without the beings that inhabit our hearts, the few people we love that would try their hardest to never break our hearts...

so what i'm trying to say, is that perhaps only 2% of us, will find that love that last forever at this age, so we don't have to worry about this, but for the other 98% of us that haven't, i should say that we shouldn't love as if we have never been broken, but rather love as though we know that we have the most STRONG netting behind, to catch us when we fall

although we may never be as silly, and innocent as we were with our first relationships,we know something that people currently in their first love don't know!!!!

and the lesson only gets better