An Unsent Letter

i wrote this a while ago...i remember it was around 4am and my father was driving me to the airport, for my last vacation before college...

August 11,2007

every night for the last few days i have had a dream about my dad. you must already know that me and the old man, have a complicated relationship. We don't argue too much anymore, but its not as if we talk that much either. I have dreamt of my dad walking in, holding his heart saying to me that he was really tired. Dreams of him walking in with red flowers, telling me that he loves me, isn't afraid of jail, and would kill anyone who would dare hurt his baby.

And now that i think of that dream, i remember its been almost a year since i saw those big heavy drops of tears fall from his eyes, silently. I remember that was the first time i ever saw him cry. I remember him running his fingers down the 57 cuts on my wrist, and telling me he would do whatever it took so i wouldn't cut myself anymore. Its been a whole year since we were in therapy together. We haven't had many bad moments. I graduated and got to take a picture with him, and also told him with alot of pride that i got a full scholarship to the school he wanted me to come to. That was a very beautiful night, but we could have and should have shared more.

We could have, and we should have had more moments. I can't hold the tears and i wish i would have forgiven him sooner. I spent a lifetime angry, dissapointed and never understanding the man whose blood runs through my veins. The father who provided food and a roof over my head. And overcame all his commitment issues, to my father. The man who i am unmistakanbly like...

As we drive on I-78 headed to the city, one of his favorite songs comes on. I look into the mirror and i catch a glimpse of eyes lighter than mine but with the same shape. This isn't a goodbye, but rather a hello to the growing woman in me, who forgave him for all the things as a child i wouldn't forgive him for. I just hope that it isn't too late to build what i refused to build as a child...