an imaginary poem

if i could craft you the perfect poem to tell you just how i feel
i would tell you
that i miss you when i don't get to see you
that i constantly check my phone to see if you've texted me
even though your average response time is on average 20 some minutes
that times goes by so slowly when i think of you
and that actually i think of you more than i'd like to admit to anyone
that sometimes i get scared
that i'm a little too late
or that to you this is just a game
and that you get a chuckle out of
watching me make a fool of myself over you

in this perfect poem
i would somehow compare your kisses
to the most succulent, delicious fruit
ever grown in the Caribbean
i'd be able to find the words
to describe the way your touch
awakens every part of my being
or how
i just love, love the feeling
i get when i lay on your chest
or how
the best nights
are the nights i get to fall asleep in your arms
and how i wish i did that more
but i can't place that feeling in words

anymore that i can the memories
of you and i
watching stars, kissing under the moon
or just talking
under the green trees, and blue pennsylvania sky
savoring the bits of summer left

somewhere along the lines of this poem
i have yet to write
without any direct mention
you would be able to understand
that i am, truly sorry
that i wish i wouldn't hurt you
but more than that i wish you could forgive me

and i know that this imaginary poem
i'm crafting in my head is getting long
but i also want it to be clear that i want something real
that i don't want to settle for less
than what i deserve

but this imaginary poem that i have yet to write
dies silently everytime
i look into your eyes
and feel the warmth of your embrace
because maybe
in my own way of talking wayyy too much
i've already said each and everyone of these elements
that would have been the matter of my this imaginary poem
i've wanted to craft

cell phone postings 12/17

#4
and tonight the stars don't show their face
the warmth has hidden itself from me
and i can't find it under all the layers of gray clothing

anxious and jittery
i find myself drowning in waters that don't ripple and don't move
its too dark and i can't feel anything

but this lunatic blood thirsty creature
a breed of its own kind
parasitical being of my making

that confronts demons that exist only in my head
taking the place of him, of her
that become my big torment, unable to leave behind

but in this cold
i shiver and cry
fully aware

that's its me
that i am my own demon

#5
i just remember why i don't like messing around
thanks
for showing me where i belong
and what i really want
because i remember this is not what i had in mind


#6
in the darkness of the night
driving down this road i'm hungry
stomach howling
scratching my insides


#7
todo lo que se tenia que haber dicho ya se dijo
nuestra cuerda vocales quedan mudas
y solo se mueven nuestras lenguas
nuestros labios
entre caricias se satisface otro sentir
pero con todo lo que hemos pasado
sera que esta es la ultima etapa
de lo que fue y ya jamas sera?

my list

1. as of late i like wearing my hood up, when i wear hoodies
2. i'm currently trying to let my hair grow, but as usual i am desperately tempted to cut it. like always
3. honestly, i am very skeptical when it comes to love at this young age
   
4. well maybe its just i have many other priorities in my life, and couldn't imagine trying to shift them around to fit someone in. gimme another 7-10 years to stop being selfish
   
5. merengue, bachata, and perico ripiao, are my shit!!!
6. i love being Dominican, and couldn't picture being anything else
7. i'm emotional, but it doesn't mean i'm silly. i've become emotionally strong in many aspects of life
8. when i was 16, i was diagnosed with OCD, general anxiety disorder, and depression. i've gotten over the depression, and my OCD is nearly not as bad as it was once. being medicated sucked, and to this day i'm learning to take care of myself
   
9. i love my friends, and i wouldn't know how i would still be here if it wasn't for them
10. i love my grandma, and everything she represents in my life. many of my best lessons have come through her
    
11. i have three sisters [jennifer, elisabeth, jeannette] who are the loves of my life
12. someday i want to have kids, lots of kids
13. i believe in freedom, equality, but i don't know how much i believe in democracy sometimes
14. money doesn't mean much to me, i've been happy so much of my life without it, that pursuing it isn't my only goal
15. i want to be a better person
16. sometimes i wish i wasn't all over the place
17. i want to be fluent in at least 2 more languages
18. i want to be a small change in the world
19. someday i want to publish and write a book
20. i wish i didn't procrastinate as much, then i would have time for all the other things i want
21. i like staying up really late, like 4-5am, and then going to bed, and waking up at 11 to start my day
22. i like kissing and cuddling
    
23. sex and the city, is the best show in the world. regardless of what you think
24. i want to make my parents proud, but more than that, i want them to think of all the sacrifices they made for me, and know that it was all worth it.
25. i could keep this list going on and on. but i wont. find out the rest