asuntos pendientes

not crying

2009-06-05T18:21:00.002-04:00

the hardest part is not crying. not crying. not crying. not crying. not crying.
because if she sees these tears she will become scared that its the end.
making her more aware that something is wrong.

so im fighting back these tears, and im not crying. not crying. not crying. not crying. not crying.

2009-03-16T14:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the best way to improve your productivity is to work less. It certainly makes you a better person. So join a hiking club, or a church activity, or volunteer for a charity. It will expand your mind, introduce you to new people and probably make you happier.

http://www.ir.bbn.com/~craig/things-i-wish.html

when somebody beats you to an idea

2009-03-16T13:14:00.002-04:00

i had an image of the best way to organize myself. well actually i had multiple images... a thick big black book (but i would ocassionally forget it), a variety of different sites (blogspot, facebook, photobucket, twitter etc) some i used more than others, and some i couldn't stand....

i just needed to find something that let me do everything!
keep tabs of things i liked, articles i had found, pictures i really liked. it would help because i have a million and one post its on my desk, of urls, i want to take a better look at it whatever.
well then i heard of tumblr.

oh wow i just read what i read, sounds like an ad for something...yikes

well anyways...im thinking about trying out this site, and figuring out what i can create with it...and how useful it would be.

but the real root of my problem, is my information overload and disorganization.
i haveover 3000+ pictures that need to be organized, backed up and in folders

(ahh i have class...to be finished later)

2009-03-12T12:23:00.002-04:00

if life is too short to spend weeks, months and years in bad relationships, sucky jobs, or committed to things you really don't find worthwhile. then in that same sense life should be too short to allow for bitterness.

2009-03-09T00:38:00.003-04:00

we believe when people must go they go, and in your case its for such a good cause and we all admire you so much, we just want the best for you prima <3>

text messages

2009-03-03T20:47:00.002-05:00

so you ask me whether i'm still mad. what kind of fucking question is that?
Being mad would mean admitting that in some or another you have dissapointed me.

that in some way or another you have meant more to me than you imagine.
that some how you have hurt me.
that i've built up a notion of what our togetherness would mean.

i plead the fifth to all of the above. i'm not angry, i am just over it.
i can't keep thinking that these small steps forward we make compensate for the way
we truly remain in a stationary position.

i dont think we need to have any conversation because everything has been said that was needed to determine an 'us'.

which is something that is fragmented and only exists in theory. i keep playing this stupid game with you. in which we both push and pull each other away.

and i'm tired. what you offer me are fragments and i am not a fragment of a woman, therefore i dont need it. i dont necessarily want to settle down, but why waste time?

i have found that you are not entirely a lover and not yet quite a friend. your kisses are the sweetest thing, but they are poison to me. i resolve to do away from something deceitful. your touch although comforting only pacifies me...

i resolve to do away with these temptations.
because this is obvious and it was expected. i'd already been warned but choose to not heed any advice. but i'm tired and i just want to be able to look at you and see you for who you are.

and you've been clear about your inability to commit. so let me be clear about who i am...i am dahiana and i have learned enough to know that this isnt for me.

your offer me parts and pieces of what i seek, and as long as i settle for that, i will never find it in its entirety.

i would do better to focus on what is attainable at the moment, and keep myself focused on my north point.

no hard feelings and im sure you understand where im coming from. were adults and im sure we know how to maintain amicable relationships, good night!

to be finished

2009-02-26T18:50:00.003-05:00

I'm just a girl who has lost her footing in this world
I'm slipping and tumbling to a finish line
I keep losing sight of
and it's not the graceful finish I'm expecting
because somehow
I'm running out a breath
my muscles are cramping
I can't stand on my toes
and I'm keeping a horrible form
forgetting everything i have learned
and remembering everything i should have forgot

an imaginary poem

2008-12-22T00:38:00.002-05:00

if i could craft you the perfect poem to tell you just how i feel
i would tell you
that i miss you when i don't get to see you
that i constantly check my phone to see if you've texted me
even though your average response time is on average 20 some minutes
that times goes by so slowly when i think of you
and that actually i think of you more than i'd like to admit to anyone
that sometimes i get scared
that i'm a little too late
or that to you this is just a game
and that you get a chuckle out of
watching me make a fool of myself over you

in this perfect poem
i would somehow compare your kisses
to the most succulent, delicious fruit
ever grown in the Caribbean
i'd be able to find the words
to describe the way your touch
awakens every part of my being
or how
i just love, love the feeling
i get when i lay on your chest
or how
the best nights
are the nights i get to fall asleep in your arms
and how i wish i did that more
but i can't place that feeling in words

anymore that i can the memories
of you and i
watching stars, kissing under the moon
or just talking
under the green trees, and blue pennsylvania sky
savoring the bits of summer left

somewhere along the lines of this poem
i have yet to write
without any direct mention
you would be able to understand
that i am, truly sorry
that i wish i wouldn't hurt you
but more than that i wish you could forgive me

and i know that this imaginary poem
i'm crafting in my head is getting long
but i also want it to be clear that i want something real
that i don't want to settle for less
than what i deserve

but this imaginary poem that i have yet to write
dies silently everytime
i look into your eyes
and feel the warmth of your embrace
because maybe
in my own way of talking wayyy too much
i've already said each and everyone of these elements
that would have been the matter of my this imaginary poem
i've wanted to craft

cell phone postings 12/17

2008-12-17T23:43:00.002-05:00

#4
and tonight the stars don't show their face
the warmth has hidden itself from me
and i can't find it under all the layers of gray clothing

anxious and jittery
i find myself drowning in waters that don't ripple and don't move
its too dark and i can't feel anything

but this lunatic blood thirsty creature
a breed of its own kind
parasitical being of my making

that confronts demons that exist only in my head
taking the place of him, of her
that become my big torment, unable to leave behind

but in this cold
i shiver and cry
fully aware

that's its me
that i am my own demon

#5
i just remember why i don't like messing around
thanks
for showing me where i belong
and what i really want
because i remember this is not what i had in mind

#6
in the darkness of the night
driving down this road i'm hungry
stomach howling
scratching my insides

#7
todo lo que se tenia que haber dicho ya se dijo
nuestra cuerda vocales quedan mudas
y solo se mueven nuestras lenguas
nuestros labios
entre caricias se satisface otro sentir
pero con todo lo que hemos pasado
sera que esta es la ultima etapa
de lo que fue y ya jamas sera?

my list

2008-12-17T20:55:00.003-05:00

as of late i like wearing my hood up, when i wear hoodies
i'm currently trying to let my hair grow, but as usual i am desperately tempted to cut it. like always
honestly, i am very skeptical when it comes to love at this young age
well maybe its just i have many other priorities in my life, and couldn't imagine trying to shift them around to fit someone in. gimme another 7-10 years to stop being selfish
merengue, bachata, and perico ripiao, are my shit!!!
i love being Dominican, and couldn't picture being anything else
i'm emotional, but it doesn't mean i'm silly. i've become emotionally strong in many aspects of life
when i was 16, i was diagnosed with OCD, general anxiety disorder, and depression. i've gotten over the depression, and my OCD is nearly not as bad as it was once. being medicated sucked, and to this day i'm learning to take care of myself
i love my friends, and i wouldn't know how i would still be here if it wasn't for them
i love my grandma, and everything she represents in my life. many of my best lessons have come through her
i have three sisters [jennifer, elisabeth, jeannette] who are the loves of my life
someday i want to have kids, lots of kids
i believe in freedom, equality, but i don't know how much i believe in democracy sometimes
money doesn't mean much to me, i've been happy so much of my life without it, that pursuing it isn't my only goal
i want to be a better person
sometimes i wish i wasn't all over the place
i want to be fluent in at least 2 more languages
i want to be a small change in the world
someday i want to publish and write a book
i wish i didn't procrastinate as much, then i would have time for all the other things i want
i like staying up really late, like 4-5am, and then going to bed, and waking up at 11 to start my day
i like kissing and cuddling
sex and the city, is the best show in the world. regardless of what you think
i want to make my parents proud, but more than that, i want them to think of all the sacrifices they made for me, and know that it was all worth it.
i could keep this list going on and on. but i wont. find out the rest

2008-11-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right

An Unsent Letter

2008-11-11T23:53:00.002-05:00

i wrote this a while ago...i remember it was around 4am and my father was driving me to the airport, for my last vacation before college...

August 11,2007

every night for the last few days i have had a dream about my dad. you must already know that me and the old man, have a complicated relationship. We don't argue too much anymore, but its not as if we talk that much either. I have dreamt of my dad walking in, holding his heart saying to me that he was really tired. Dreams of him walking in with red flowers, telling me that he loves me, isn't afraid of jail, and would kill anyone who would dare hurt his baby.

And now that i think of that dream, i remember its been almost a year since i saw those big heavy drops of tears fall from his eyes, silently. I remember that was the first time i ever saw him cry. I remember him running his fingers down the 57 cuts on my wrist, and telling me he would do whatever it took so i wouldn't cut myself anymore. Its been a whole year since we were in therapy together. We haven't had many bad moments. I graduated and got to take a picture with him, and also told him with alot of pride that i got a full scholarship to the school he wanted me to come to. That was a very beautiful night, but we could have and should have shared more.

We could have, and we should have had more moments. I can't hold the tears and i wish i would have forgiven him sooner. I spent a lifetime angry, dissapointed and never understanding the man whose blood runs through my veins. The father who provided food and a roof over my head. And overcame all his commitment issues, to my father. The man who i am unmistakanbly like...

As we drive on I-78 headed to the city, one of his favorite songs comes on. I look into the mirror and i catch a glimpse of eyes lighter than mine but with the same shape. This isn't a goodbye, but rather a hello to the growing woman in me, who forgave him for all the things as a child i wouldn't forgive him for. I just hope that it isn't too late to build what i refused to build as a child...

2008-11-03T21:46:00.002-05:00

i was feeling a bit down today, and i spent so much time thinking of all my relationships gone wrong, all the things i said that i shouldn't have said, and all the things i wish i could change. i know i know, i'm only 18, but soon enough in less than a month im going to turn 19. i don't know if i'm ready for that. but there's one thing that cheered me up today, and it was this quote...when i was young i wrote it on the cover of the book, that listed all the things i wanted to do by the time i was 20, i wrote that list when i was 13. and i realized that despite everything i went through, i still want to accomplish alot of those things, i still want every single one of those things...its just that now i know it takes a bit more work, a lot more that i thought. so even 5-6 years down the line i want all those things, and deep down im still that girl, but something has been left behind, and heres the quote...

We are going to Mars because whatever is wrong with us will not get right with us so we journey forward, carrying the same baggage

But every now and then leaving one little bitty thing behind
[Nikki Giovanni]

2008-11-01T00:03:00.001-04:00

everytime i think of you
im just gonna write it on a post it
and stick it in an envelope
that i will never give you...

2008-10-28T01:58:00.000-04:00

karma...quite something else

2008-10-26T03:00:00.004-04:00

i look at these pictures. and it kinda makes me want to cry. i miss the girl in those pictures, and what i wouldn't give to be that innocent, sweet and beautiful girl again.
i can't stand my hair for the most part, and it all feels to big now,
but i have to keep shedding this skin, and eventually when i get down to the bare essentials, i will truly become unapolegetic....

first loves

2008-10-26T02:59:00.000-04:00

i think i might have drunk way too much chai, and i'm listening to aretha, and i have got this thought about life or rather relationships...

you know how you always hear, that one should love like you have never been broken
i remember listening to that and thinking 'that is such a good thing', but now i'm thinking that the person who probably said that didn't have a single clue what they were talking about!!!

i mean who hasn't looked at all these beautiful couples our age walking around, and girls our age, simply gushing and smiling, talking about 'oh i love him just thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssss

ssssssssss much', and just wanted to tap them on the shoulder and be like 'yo homegirl, that's cute and all, but no one our age ever lasts, so don't bring out the wedding planner yet'.

maybe i'm just a hater, but then i remember that if i knew what i know now, i probably would have never given my heart away. i would have guarded it with a sword, and would have never returned calls, or would have cut many nights short...but then again the sweet is never as sweet without the bitter

i think back to all the nights i spent holding my pillow swallowing my tears, because a relationship wasn't going the way i wanted it too, or because i had built up way to many expectations and had traveled too far in time, with a ticket that had yet to paid in full. to the times i had to return everything that didn't belong to me, all the hearts i never fully occupied...i think of all the names, all the guys [there haven't been that many though], all the moments...and it fades away

its like the pain, the tears, the angry confusing moments, in which i had to ask 'why me? aren't i ready for love God, why doesn't this work, why???'
but now i know that the pain fades, and the only think that remains is the bittersweet moments, and wayy too many lessons learned!

if there is one thing that heartbreak teaches you though,is the value of friends . the friends who held us when we cried, who consoled us, and made us laugh, when otherwise we couldn't crack a smile. the friends who watched us get our hearts broken, and knew that we wouldn't listen to caution, because love knows no reason... i can't tell you how many times my friends told me, 'hey babe, listen i don't think he's the guy for you', seeing something i had yet to see, and i never listened. and that the catch, love knows no reason!
so the bestest of friends, just throw their hands in the air, and allow us to enjoy the ride, knowing we might have to throw up afterwards...

and maybe that's also the hidden joy of love, that something that entice us in. that rollercoaster that we get so excited to go on, not knowing whether its going to be good or bad, just hoping that its more than good! and sometimes you can forget that you aren't alone in the ride, that there are people next to you, and behind you, hoping that you enjoy the ride, that you find that love we all are looking for.

and i realized today, that the love of friends is equally as important as the love in a relationship...
because how else would we make it through everything without the beings that inhabit our hearts, the few people we love that would try their hardest to never break our hearts...

so what i'm trying to say, is that perhaps only 2% of us, will find that love that last forever at this age, so we don't have to worry about this, but for the other 98% of us that haven't, i should say that we shouldn't love as if we have never been broken, but rather love as though we know that we have the most STRONG netting behind, to catch us when we fall

although we may never be as silly, and innocent as we were with our first relationships,we know something that people currently in their first love don't know!!!!

and the lesson only gets better

2008-10-26T02:55:00.002-04:00

this one has been unfinished for quite some time, about a year or so. i doubt i will ever finish it, so i thought i would just post it...

A mi vida llegas tu
Y no se como responderle
A la persona que sabe lo que digo
Cuando callo
Y sabe ignorar lo que digo

Tal vez lo mejor seria
Ser ingrata
No querer apreciar la bella confusion
Que tu traiste a mi vida

Yo que todo lo tenia planeado
Con mi encantador novio
Que pena le tengo
Por que el jamas penso
Que tu ibas a importar

Pero como despreciar
Las bellas noches que pasamos
Hablando bajo las estrellas
Escuchando musica
No queriendo mirarte a los ojos

Que me hablaron
Algo que no debia escuchar
Amargandome el alma
Por que si no fuera

Por la promesa que ya yo hice
A ti te regalaria
Una noche
O talvez le robaria el tiempo

Para que bailaramos juntos
Quedarnos despiertos
Para escuchar lo que el alma
Nos dice,cen esos momentos

Pero mis palabras nunca
Se las llevara un viento
Ya que llevaron las semillas
De mi amor

Encontrando su tierra
Donde ahi
Ha brotado un arbol
Que crece, y no vive sin mi

Algo que se aferra
A un sentimiento que crecio
Cuando yo todavia era nina
Y no sabia la importancian
De lo que era el amor

Y ahora ese amor
Se hidrata con mis besos
Creciendo hasta el cielo
Con mis caricias

Como le arranco
Yo todo lo que ya le prometi
Para regalartelo a ti,
Que solo tienes unos cuantos meses
Conociendome

2008-10-25T01:00:00.003-04:00

te veo
te pienso
te extraño...
te quiero
te siento
ante ti tiemblo
no entiendo
como se me vino encima
ahora te pierdo
y me arrepiento....

2008-10-17T04:02:00.000-04:00

someone was told me this...and now it finally makes sense

"Querida poestisa, hay ocasiones en que el hombre (o mujer) se encuentra en cierto estado en que se ha acostumbrado a la rutina. Se encuentra en la tediosa espera de encontrar algo o alguien que lo complementa, lo entienda, en fin lo haga completo. Esa espera ha estado desde que la Tierra se creo. Adan queria un acompanante y Dios se lo consedio, Eva. Fueros DOS, pero en realidad UNO. Que hubiese pasado si Adan no hubiese consentido a tener a Eva con el? Si hubiese sabido que le traeria la maldicion?
Los que te quisiera decir con esto es que la vida es un constante salto de Fe. La vida es un carnaval, un carrusel, y una tombola. La vida es como un "roller coaster", donde al verlo te emocionas y te interesas. Al ya acercarte y ver que la oportunidad se te presenta de montarte en ella y dejarte llevar, te llenas de miedo y desconfianza. Es tu deber escoger entre no disfrutar lo desconocido y refugiarte en la seguridad de lo desconocido o dejar todo en las manos de Dios y hacer un salto de Fe.
Pero mi poetisa, no te puedes hechar la vida entera en este proceso porque HAY OTROS EN FILA!!!! jejejeje"

cell phone postings 10/12

2008-10-12T19:56:00.002-04:00

so i keep notes on my phone
and someday hope to turn into a poem

i haven't had time to seriously look these over
so im just going to post them
and call them ....
i don't know what im calling them yet

#1
you learn to love people and your dreams
in the strangest of ways
i can only think
of how i always dreamt you up
as my dream guy

the guy that was attractive
well dressed
polite
intelligent
hard working
driven
and family oriented

i thought of us being
the couple
that would go to church on Sunday
travel the world
through fabulous dinner parties
and dance while everyone smiled
watching us, watch each other

i could almost imagine
what it would be like
to dance 'el farolito'
at our wedding
wondering how far the years brought us

i can only marvel
at how far i allowed my mind
to travel in the future
with a ticket that had yet to be paid in full

#2
its time to give up all the things that didn't belong to me

#3
ya no se como contener
este veneno
dentro de mi que me consume
veneno que me destruye
cuando me recuerdo todo
lo que de mi no he logrado
desprender
por ser cobarde
he dejado escapar el remedio
que me hubiese aliviado
de este profundo
dolor que vive en mi
y no logra absolverse

2008-10-02T01:39:00.002-04:00

i wish i could take my heart
stick in little box
tell it 'not right now'
put a lock on it
and just put it away for the moment

because i really can't afford dealing with these emotions right now
but i dont really have any choice...

2008-09-30T01:28:00.002-04:00

tengo un sentimiento en el alma
sumamente pesado
que me destroza en pedacitos
de donde sacare el coraje para romperte el corazon de nuevo?

ya no se
no se si esto es una ilusion
de algo que nunca fue
y ya nunca sera

o si en el camino me confundi
y en realidad tu eres para mi

pero no se
y la paz se me escapa
la oscuridad decende sobre mi
al solo pensar
en tus bellos ojos majorrones
llorando ...

y no puedo vivir conmigo misma

2008-09-28T18:22:00.002-04:00

inventame coño
yo en eso no estoy
lo que se perdio, se perdio hace mucho tiempo
y tal vez ya sea muy tarde

2008-09-16T16:24:00.007-04:00

te lo digo yo que el camino sera arduo y sera largo
pero las cosas faciles en la vida, nunca duran
y nunca se disfrutan en la misma manera
de lo que se que cosecha en tiempos de seca
cuando pienso que el mismo sol
me va a matar, y que la noche no llega
para decansar

al veces veo a toda estas gentes
con sus sonrisas falsas
los ojos no muy profundo
con un maldito aire
de 'soy mejor que tu'
con una cultura que en realidad no baila
y come demasiadas papas

cuando me paso los dias
trabajando demasiado
deseando poder comer unos tostones con salami
o talvez un arroz con guandules

al veces cuando salgo a las fiestas
y no se me da la oportunidad de bailer un bello merengue
me entristesco y la musica pierde su melodia
si no encuentro en ella una guira, un acordion o una tambora

te digo que me dan ganas
de dejarlo todo
y regresar a mi tierra
refujiarme en esa loma
donde de noche cesa de existir la luz artificial
y da paso a un cielo alumbrado de estrellas

quiero sentarme en la galeria de esa casita
entre las mesedoras
con todos mis dolores acojetados y bien olvidos
donde la noche se pasa bebiendo jugo de guayava
de las misma mata de donde se las comio papi cuando era chiquito
escuchando el sonido que me levanta el alma
de la brisa dandose un poquito de carinito
con las palmas

en esa silla
tal vez deseria que mama no hubiese sufrido tanto cuando papa la dejo
a criar 8 hijos solita sin ayuda
deseria tambien no haber visto a mi mami llorar tanto
cuando nos dimes cuenta
que por tantos anos compartimos a papi con su segunda familia

deseria tambien que no estuviera tan disilusionada con los hombres o mejor dicho estos "muchachos" dominicans, que en realidad no tienen modales ni grandes aspiraciones
pero ya de eso uno se olvida
y sigo buscando al hombre que me susurre
un te quiero al oido
y que me baile 'el farolito' como ningun otro
seguiere sonando como hacian las tias
cuando eran jovenes
y se imaginaban donde en la loma
construirian casas
para criar a sus hijos

pero no tengo esa silla, y tampoco esa vista
y ahora mis mejores amigos son estos libros

pero en realidad nada me haria mas contenta que esa loma
poder mirar hacia al horizonte
y de golpe sentir todo el amor, el dolor, la ilucion, y los suenos de una familia
dispersada en diferente lugares del mundo
realizando los suenos de imigrantes

y me acuerdo
que yo soy una nina
de comienzos humildes
que ahora crece en mujer
para darme cuenta que cuando vuelva al cibao
al final de mi camino no habra nada mas dulce
que darme cuenta que todo a la misma vez es nada
si no me vuelvo a encontrar bajo esas estrellas
corriendo descalza
mirando esa bella vista
reconociendo que no hay nada que me hace mas feliz que esto....

Forgiveness

2008-08-27T18:03:00.002-04:00

you would think
that as you grow
you would learn
to just shake things off
and let them go
just to let the rain fall
because the sun would shine tomorrow
brighter and things would just go away
sadly you're mistaken
not even as coffins
are lowered into the freshly cut earth
six feet deep
could i forgive you
they say
that we pray
"father forgive us
our trespasses as we forgive those you trespass against us"
then may God never forgive me
because if i forgive you
i would be admitting
i can't carry such a hatred in me
i can't carry my baggage
as far as i want to
which isn't true at all
i can live with this hate
because you can live with what you did to me right?
but if i forgive you
who would forgive
the deep lines on my face
under my eyes
who cried at night
in the anger and pain
you brought onto me
and if i forgive you
it would be saying that you
you didn't hurt me at all
which is the farthest thing
from the earth
so o can't bring myself to say it
i...
i.... don't forgive you

[written during a very angry time, may 3rd 2007]

untitled

2008-07-14T00:38:00.003-04:00

2008-07-04T23:05:00.001-04:00

SIMPLE WORDS

2008-07-03T18:26:00.000-04:00

IRRITATING
FRUSTRATING
AGGRAVATING

UPSET
DISAPPOINTED
LET DOWN

EXCLUDED
FAR TOO OFTEN COMPARED
TOO MANY NAMES AND FACES
SMALL ANECDOTES
THAT I WOULD RATHER NOT KNOW

LIKE NICOLE
ONCE SAID THE TRAIN HAS PASSED
AND THEN I COME TO SEE THAT THE MOMENT IN WHICH I GAVE A SHIT
ABOUT THESE THINGS HAS BEEN SURPASSED
I AM COMPLETELY NUMB

THIS IS NO LONGER WORTH IT
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT MADE ME SIT THERE AND STAY
WHENEVER IT IS THAT YOU PICK UP HER CALLS YOU WALK OUT THE ROOM

THIS ISN'T ME
AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO RELIEVED TO SAY
THAT I CANT WAIT TO GET RID OF YOU
SO THAT I CAN FINALLY GET BACK TO ME!!!

an unsent letter

2008-07-01T13:23:00.000-04:00

it may come hard to admit this, but i have never been great at saying how i feel...as much as i can talk, it might come as a surprise to many...honestly i hardly ever have trouble talking, and most of the time i can talk about almost anything. the big exception being that i can't talk about how i feel...

it may drive you crazy, but thats okay.
there a bunch of things about you that at one point drove me crazy. i have just gotten over them. there many times that you said things that terribly bothered me, my natural response was to tell you that it bothered me. but i did something completely unnatural to me. i just stayed quiet. i remember so many things bothering, and eventually i got here, the point in which nothing you say or do, can disturb me...and looking onto that now, that is kind of sad. every time you would mention an ex, or someone you messed with, i would retaliate and in my mind or perhaps i would go as far as telling you about my past moments with so and so. because that was the only way that it wouldn't hurt me. because even though they were all before me, it kind of in a tiny way sucks to know, that there were sooo many before me. that makes it not one person who lives in your heart and mind, but rather a bunch of them...there were so many names and too many faces too remember...i just didn't want to be one of them...

then we had the whole situation with her, and although she is a sweetheart, i will never forget the way i felt when she sat on your lap, in my presence. or how she reminded me that saying bye to you, was going to be devastatingly hard. how should that have made me feel, here i was battling all these names and faces, trying to get a little piece of your heart, and holding back my tears because i was in the process of giving you my heart, and then someone reminds me that these last couple of months have been nothing compared to the years you too have shared.

i remember that everytime i had tried to talk to you about one thing or another, you seemed to just use your words, in a way that would pacify me, but then i would hang up the phone or walk away from you...and feel that nothing was resolved. and then i never felt like bringing those issues up again.

it always seems that females just cling to you...and to a 18 year old like myself, these woman look silly and pitiful! and from the moment we first met, and i witnessed, 20-something year old women giving me jealous looks, and trying to figure out where i came in the play...i vowed to never be silly, it isn't me...i'm sorry

i also remember crafting a memory book, filled with countless pictures from your college career. filled with smiling faces i had never met, and realizing that there was always something before me, and that in that same manner there will always be something after me...

and sometimes i feel awful, about the way i never said something terribly sweet to you, or gushed about you, or told you how much i missed you when one of us went away. because i know it would have meant a lot to you, to hear that...

somewhere along the line, i realized i wasn't going to become emotionally involved with you. and today i can honestly say that i have succeeded. in a couple of weeks time, you will be leaving and most likely this will not go on...i will walk away with some very beautiful memories of a wonderful spring, but i will not be hurt by your departure. instead i feel that at one point or another i needed you in my life, to be someone who i could learn from. i did exactly that i learned from you, and now the train has left...

Steve Jobs commencement address to Standford University 2005

2008-06-11T09:32:00.000-04:00

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

A great friend showed me this, and absolutely i fell madly in love with this speech. I have highlighted my favorite parts, and i must say this is truly inspirational to me. I hope to print it out and in time frame it, so that i can always remember the best parts...

Its In Me

2008-06-11T09:17:00.000-04:00

I know that its in me to be extremely successful. I know that if i placed my time and resources into achieving what i want i could do it. I believe that deep down inside of me, i have it in me to be where i want to be. I can feel it burning in me at times, that desire to work hard and be successful.
I have been extremely blessed to have been admitted at my number one school, with a full ride, the promise of being a scholar. Someone who goes to every single class, and sits at the front learning and interacting with her education. Someone who casually scored 90's and 100's on exams, and who studied really hard. Someone who got involved in other activities and was truly a great student.
My entire freshman year I felt that somehow that dream eluded me. I spent many nights procrastinating when i should have been studying. I didn't go in for help when i should have, even when the help was right outside my door. I ended up with grades that weren't all so crappy but i know i could have done much much better. So at the end i cried alot, and felt like a big failure because here i was with a 3.3 when in reality i could have gotten a 3.5 with more effort.
Somewhere along the line i forgot about
-always going to class
-but that going to class only had a meaning if i stayed awake and didn't text
-that it was pointless to take notes unless i truly planned to study
-after taking an exam, the best thing to do was to go get help on the problems i got wrong because most surely they would be on the final
-and i forgot about getting things done in time

Knowing all this now, has helped me realize something truly important. Half of the gift, is having it, but the most important part is knowing how to use it. An umbrella on a rainy day is pointless if you don't know how to use, a swimsuit hanging in your closet is obsolete if you aren't willing to walk to the beach...

So knowing that i have in it me to be a great student, and a successful person is only half of it and could easily become obsolete, if i don't place my time and resources into making myself efficient and accomplishing what i want to.

I promise that i am going to learn how to use my gifts, and learn how to use what is around to be truly successful, because earnestly none of us has the power to make something out of nothing.

Financias

2008-06-04T10:41:00.000-04:00

Ay Dios Mio!
Soy una niña de nuevo, queriendo correr, sin todavia saber caminar.
Tengo unas ancias de poder volar, bien alto.
Pero como siempre, queriendo volar con alas que no me han terminado de crecer.

Quiero poder ser responsable por mi misma.

Y aunque yo se lavar mi ropar, cocinar por mi misma.
Limpio mi cuarto, me levanto a tiempo para ir a mi classes.
Todavia no me he metido en problemas, y siempre me cuido mucho.
Quisiera ser mas responsable cuando se viene a cosas de mi dinero.

No te puedo decir tantas las veces, que me he pasado a lo negativo en mi cuenta de banco.
Los tiempos que cobro mi pequeño sueldo, y a los pocos dias, se me fue el dinero y no tengo nada que te pueda mostrar.
Tal vez sea porque no gano demasiado, pero si ese es el caso yo deberia reconer que no gano tanto, asi que no puedo gastar lo que no tengo.

Ultimamente, mi madre ha tenido que rescatarme.
Y me da una pena tremanda con ella.
La pobre trabajando tanto, con muchas mas responsabilidades que yo, y teniendo que cuidarme mas de la cuenta.
Yo quisiera que no fuera asi, y aunque es verdad que los padres ayudan a uno. Mi mama me ayuda mas de la cuenta. Ya me paga mi telefono celular, y siempre que quiero ropa me la compra. La ultima vez que fui a casa, me llevo de compras y me compro un monton de cosas...
Y ahora me siento horrible, porque yo no soy tan responsable...

He creado una lista mental de cosas que puedo hacer para que mi sueldo me rinda mas, y yo pueda manejar mi dinero de una mejor forma...

1. Dejar de comprar cosas que realmente no necesito, como post-its, lapizes, y mas libros que aun no tengo tiempo de leer.
2. Siempre guardar una parte de mi sueldo, aunque sea solamente diez a veinte dolares, para como dicen los americanos para un dia lluvioso.
3. No utilizar mi targeta de credito para cosas que realmente no necesite!!
4. Pagar todas mis billes a tiempo!
5. Y la mas importante, es mejor llamar a casa, y decir 'mami estoy un poca corta de dinero, me puedes mandar talves 15-30 dolares, a que llegue una carta del banco diciendo que me pasa de nuevo por 1 dolar, y que por ese dolar me van a cobrar 35...

Espero que esta refleccion me ayude, a ser mas responsable de mis gastos.
Para que entonces si pueda decir que soy una niña grande que se sabe cuidar...

:)

Half-Crazy

2008-05-31T14:18:00.000-04:00

I can't wait for Fall 2009, to be spending a whole semester in Dominican Republic attending classes, eating Dominican Food, and spending time with people my own age just trying to make a better person of themselves.

But i wish i could be there right now, listening to classics like Sergio Vargas, Fernando Villalona and dancing some Juan Luis Guerra under the star filled skies...

Im going half crazy, because i can almost hear everyone clapping on the plane, the stewardess saying "Buenas Tardes, Bienvenidos a La Republica Dominicana"...

I can just feel esa briza calienta del cibao, hitting my face, as i walk of the plane, i can see the tall palm trees afuera del Aeropuerto Internacional de Santiago, i can already start looking for the familiar face that came to pick us up...

I can't wait to just watch sunsets, bike ride, chase cows, eat amazing food, shop, relax and smile because i am home.

I can't wait to walk around the town looking to see what has changed since i was last here, and im going half-crazy in dreams of visiting and exploring the beautifulest place on earth to me, mi bella Quisqueya!!

San Jose De Las Matas

2008-05-31T13:52:00.000-04:00

I wish i could be here right now. Just drinking fresh squeezed orange juice, or drinking milk on the galeria with mama, who every ten minutes would ask who my father was forgetting he was or son. Or having to chase felix, david and ale just for the fun of it.... That i could be spending afternoons in la ventana, swimming in the water with felix...

Ahh i wish i could be there right now...

empty

2008-05-26T01:00:00.000-04:00

how do i tell you
that my bed feels too big for me
when you aren't here?

like father like daughter

2008-05-23T00:05:00.001-04:00

i remember sitting down in father-daughter therapy with my dad thinking i cant wait until these 45 minutes, this is complete bullshit that he needs to be a part of my healing process. that was roughly a year ago, and i couldnt be more grateful, because understanding him i understood me...my dad sat there and told me straight up " you try to do everything, youre always stressing, you need to slow down" and im like yea watever i dont care what you have to say. and then somehow we started talking about all this pain i had in, these cut wrists, and all the things that seemed to be taking its toll on me. and somehow i asked him how he went on with things so well, despite having messed up as much as he had messed, and he told me he lives every day and then thats it, that he forgot how to regret things along time ago and instead learned how to let things just go! so i guess my biggest lesson was that life is a tumbling mess of ideas we follow through, mess of emotions i cant even understand half of the time, and my strong personal desire of hardwork=success. he told me that someway down the road, like father like daughter you can inevitably hurt the people who you love. its not that you intentionally do it, but sometimes you do things that you dont think about, and for some odd reason you dont feel guilty and you dont regret it until you see the tears and all the pain you put your loved ones in. and only then when you see their pain, does it become real that somehow youve fucked up...so i ask him what do you do then? what do you do when the person who makes you happier than anything else, is the person you hurt? what happens when you do that? how do you deal with rage, your hurt, and your conscience tearing you apart? you learn to forgive yourself, because hopefully that makes it easier to live with yourself after your mistakes, you drink a bit, and let it soak in. and perhaps from all this you learn to be a better person, and if youre lucky you will find forgiveness. if youre not so lucky, you learn to let go, and just pick it up and go with it. you learn to just forget and move on, you cant hate yourself forever, and you cant stay knowing that the person you hurt isnt forgiving you...and perhaps this is the best lesson yet...when youre hurt, learn to forgive yourself and everything else follows, if not then just pick it up and let it go. life is too short to live punishing yourself and regretting things... love my daddy for this lesson...like father like daughter!

just for the visuals

2008-05-22T23:59:00.001-04:00

i thought it would be cool if i added some of my favorite pictures on here...

damaged

2008-05-17T15:38:00.000-04:00

i admit that at the moment i am behaving irrationally
perhaps i am being immature
and acting young

the best part being i don't give a shit

i am currently in my room
having stayed away from you as much as possible this weekend
i am pretending to sleep
while you are downstairs with all your friends

for the most part
i am comfortable being this distant
i could care less

what is the point
of falling for someone
who is leaving in months time?

i am indifferent to this
and im okay with that
i dont know if you are

its like
i see this coming
and i feel this desperate urge to alienate myself
to cope with my loss before it occurs

to take my little damaged torn heart
and hold it in my hands
to feel its beat
and tell it that its fine
that i will be there
that the sooner the separation comes the better

i can say
that in my countless hours of sleeping
that in your presence
that in the same table with your parents and family
I HAVE BUILT MY WALL

in my pride
im not going to knock it down
i am leaving it there
because im not doing this again

i refuse to get this close
just to see how it feels like again
to have my heart torn into pieces again

i have been there too many times
i can't get close again
i don't want to

i have been sidetracked too many times
and this isn't the kind of thing i want

and although you have never broken my heart
i have already been damaged
and im not ready

i was never ready and know i am left
with my wings torn at my knees
understanding
that it isnt you
who holds me back
but my own fears...

and i have already forgiven myself for this
so i will be fine

Sex & The City

2008-05-13T21:38:00.000-04:00

You do this every time. Every time!! What do you have some kind of radar? Carrie might be happy, its time to sweep in and shit all over it!
You and I, NOTHING!! You can not do this to me again. You can not jerk me around.
Oh its never different. Its six years, of never different.But this is it, I'm done. Don't call me ever again, forget you know my number, in fact forget you know my name.
And you can drive down this street all you want, because i don't live here anymore.
- Carrie

This is one of the most powerful scenes in the entire episode, and i love it!!!

our dating ghosts

2008-05-10T03:33:00.001-04:00

Where do we draw the line? Is the question that at this time of night is keeping me up...What is and is not acceptable in terms of relationships with our exes especially when we are dating someone else? Where does the line get drawn in between people who ended up as simply great friends, who shared a common past together, and people who still have lingering emotions with each other, and because of distance cant simply be together? If that line does exists what occurs when that line gets crossed?

After having witnessed a call that lasted 10 or 15 minutes, i am upset and don't have a single clue on how to react. While we cuddled, a call rings and it is the ghost of perhaps a woman i will never live up to. Someone you have dated for longer and known for a much longer amount of time. Amazingly you answer the call, so the call ranges in topics. At one point she says "hello" to me, but then proceeds to have you try to guess the color of her underwear??!!! Talks of her missing you come up, and you don't at all try to hide what she is telling you? She mentions wearing a skirt, and goes on to say that she is sorry for me, because aparently i am dating an asshole. which i have felt to be true right at this moment, because my sitting there talking to her about whether or not you are an asshole, guessing the color of her underwear, you become that asshole. Ignoring the girl that you have sitting next to you, who could be doing other things but instead is with you...

So those ten minutes or so bother me enough that i don't want to crawl in bed with you, and sleep in your arms like i usually do. For hours i lay awake, thinking where is that line that you have just crossed. Although i don't exactly know where it exists, i have felt the anger and the annoyance i have felt at the moment that you crossed. It is perfectly fine to still be friends with your exes. But in all honesty i feel that sometimes, i am dating you here and now, but at times you are dating the ghost of someone who is not here.

I don't mind you being friends with her at all. What i do mind is you picking her calls, over hanging out with me. What i mind the most is the things you talk about, wouldn't you have the decency not to try to guess the color of her underwear in front of me!!!! I don't care whether it was serious or not, i feel disrespected that you would try to guess the color of any female around me!!! So although we are extremely comfortable around each other, i don't have a single clue on how to tell you that i have always felt that your ex girlfriends were in the past for a reason, but as of late i have felt they are not, especially not her...I understand that she was here before me, that you loved her and all this, but please this is ridiculous.

I am fed up with you mentioning her all the time, it makes me feel as if you haven't gotten over her yet. And dating someone you isn't over their ex, is not something that pleases me even at the thought of it. I would rather not now that she would like to have one more night with you before we leave, that she misses you, and all these other sorts of things.

I understand that i have an unclear relationship with my ex boyfriend, who i have known since the tender age of 12, and who was my first love, but now i am left to wonder have i done those same things to you? Have i set this pattern where we are comfortable, or you believe that we are comfortable talking about our exes in such a manner. Maybe i have, but i have certainly not set the pattern for us talking to each other while having conversations with distant ghosts that once loved us.

Ultimately i think that speaking to our exes is acceptable, mentioning them once in a while is. But attempting to guess the color of their underwear IS NOT.... In my opinion we should closely watch what we do or say about our exes in front of who we are dating. Not because we should attempt to hide what our current relationship is but rather because there is a thin line, between what is appropiate and what is not. A thin line in between what i could stand and i what i can't stand. I usually am not bothered by much, but i felt disrespected tonight, and that is not something i can compromise for 10 or 15 minutes at all.

IM conversations

2008-05-08T11:20:00.000-04:00

futuroprocer (12:17:10 AM): mami, tengo muchisimas memorias lindas q me persiguen en cada esquina d este campus, claro q la pase bn y todo, pero se me hace inmensamente dificil el no tener un grudge, sin embargo sabes q soy optimista hasta la muerte so esto es solo otra piedra en mi camino con la q forjo mi destino

ceruleanfenixs (12:19:37 AM): you have every right to hold grudges against me, i didnt handle things the way i should have, and being young and foolish i forget that i have the aptitude to bounce back extremely fast...which not everyone has, and i understand that, if i could i would do things very different, and im sorry that i dont have the oppurtunity anymore...

futuroprocer (12:20:30 AM): every passing minute IS another chance to turn it all around.....

ceruleanfenixs (12:20:40 AM): and i dont know how to anymore

futuroprocer (12:22:35 AM): me neither, this summer will be good for both of us, you'll see...I'll get to be amongst loved ones and that will alow me to truly have fun and heal. you'll b doin your thing here and save the world one day at a time

ceruleanfenixs (12:28:30 AM): well for starters i cant even save myself, but yea what is done is done, but along those lines, im getting a tattoo in a week or two, and the symbolism behind it is " just when the caterpillar thought its world was over, it became a butterfly" and at one point or another this semester i felt that the only thing i have ever been good at was hurting those i cared about, and that is something i am working to change. i am firm believer that time and distance heal everything, and i have found that the more i lose the stronger i become, because the next time i take a risk, all i have to ask myself is what hasnt already happened to me? what do i have to lose? and i realized that almost everything always happens to me, and i have nothing else to lose. i just hope that this sour experience doesnt hinder you, and im sure it wont, and im certain you will find what you deserve

futuroprocer (12:32:27 AM): for what it's worth, I think that u r capable of many things, but u don't believe in yourself enough and u lack self respect, I respected u greatly while we were together, however by not respecting yourself, i see that your uncapable of respecting others, which is what causes u to hurt those u care for. its a vicious circle u will overcome if and only if u allow yourself to

ceruleanfenixs (12:37:38 AM): i have been through enough with myself to know, that i am obsessive-compulsive, who sets no boundaries within myself, lacks the ability to put anyone else feelings into perspective when making my choices, no tengo verguenza,a sense of what is right or wrong in relationships, and i think i have realized that i am unable to give myself to anyone as people give themselves to me. yo soy mi propio desastre, and i realize that as much as i have hated my father, in matters of the heart i am his exact reflection

futuroprocer (12:38:57 AM): that's exactly the attitude that I was talking about

futuroprocer (12:39:16 AM): u have no faith in yourself

ceruleanfenixs (12:39:33 AM): and i realize that i am capable of being like my father, but um choosing not to be, i have the ability to change, and i can be a better person

futuroprocer (12:39:56 AM): then just be that better person

ceruleanfenixs (12:40:04 AM): im working on it

ceruleanfenixs (12:40:31 AM): but i have to make peace with myself and reach self-forgivness before i can do that

futuroprocer (1:27:38 AM): why did u want to get me a cake for my birthday, even though u broke up with me 4 days before my birthday

futuroprocer (1:27:40 AM): ?

ceruleanfenixs (1:28:04 AM): because i thought that it would be a way to not have things ends up so badly

futuroprocer (1:28:52 AM): it was the worst timing

ceruleanfenixs (1:29:05 AM): why?

futuroprocer (1:30:04 AM): cause u implied that I was nothing to u, and then u wanted to make me a surprise birthday party

ceruleanfenixs (1:30:38 AM): yea when i went home i thought about it, and it didnt make sense

futuroprocer (1:30:49 AM): I had to leave my room cause I didnt know how i would react

ceruleanfenixs (1:31:10 AM): its okay

futuroprocer (1:31:44 AM): I just thought u were goin to bring all our mututal friends so I would seem like an asshole in front of them

ceruleanfenixs (1:31:51 AM): no it wasnt like that

ceruleanfenixs (1:32:21 AM): i just thought i could do something nice for you, because i always think birthdays are so special, and it was my way of saying im sorry,

ceruleanfenixs (1:32:43 AM): but as usual i have a terrible mouth, and i say the worst things which i dont usually mean

futuroprocer (1:32:47 AM): yeah, leaving me alone would have been enough

ceruleanfenixs (1:32:50 AM): so i ruined that myself

futuroprocer (1:34:01 AM): you have to b real careful dahiana, there a lot of psyco's out there, and I handled it pretty smoothly, someone else might not

ceruleanfenixs (1:34:36 AM): yea i guess

futuroprocer (1:35:06 AM): dont take it as a threat

ceruleanfenixs (1:36:08 AM): i think that if i ever again venture out into that whole "love thing" i am going to guard what i say more than i guard my own emotions

ceruleanfenixs (1:36:23 AM): i should tattoo that too on my wrist: think before speaking

futuroprocer (1:37:12 AM): i was thinkin of tattooing "hier ne existem pas" on my wrist, that way if was daydreaming about u i would remember to forget

so after the way that events have unfolded themselves having this one IM session with this person, has made the biggest difference, and afterwards i had the best sleep of my life, even if it was only 3hrs worth of it....
its like reaching self-forgviness through dialoguing

failure

2008-05-06T18:13:00.000-04:00

i have lost
and i feel as i if i lost everything

i could never question my faith
but amid my confusion
i lost sight of my God
can't help but think
that from the sky above
he is frowning down upon me
for all that i have done
i may never be forgiven

in my attempt to become someone else
some laughing, smiling, beautiful girl
i lost a world of morals
did things i should have never done
and like Kanye says
the prettiest people do the ugliest thing

i have not become the girl
i have not been the scholar i set out to be
instead of hitting the ground running
i tripped, i fell, and scraped myself along the way
i lost sight of the finish line

and now i find myself here
and i deserve this bottomless hell i have submerged myself into
my tears i deserve
i should cut my skin so that the scars
never leave me
i deserve this
because along the way
i gambled my dreams
and nothing is going to stay

somewhere along the lines
i forgot this is all i have
i forgot that i dont have anything else
going for me
but the attempt to become someone in this world

i can only think back to mami & papi
and im sorry
i dissapointed them
i have faded away from being their golden child
and i have wronged them, wronged myself

i have been in an overnight battle inside myself
at the point in between caring and not caring
but i know that i cant stop this early on
but perhaps this is the fate of promising children like myself
to just fade into the oblivion
of expectations i didnt meet

and i can truly tell myself
that im weak, full of hatred, and i have lacked self love
or perhaps i tricked myself into thinking i was some sort of motivated, talented kid which i am not

and i lost
i might just throw the towel
not look forward to being a mom
look forward to being a college graduate
an urban planner
or anything else
and if TOMORROW DOESNT COME, IM NOT GOING TO MISS IT BECAUSE I WONT KNOW WHAT IM MISSING

perhaps

2008-05-03T01:56:00.001-04:00

there were more things i should have done
such as going to more dinners with you
even though at times i felt awkward
here i was this nerdy looking girl
in front of these African Queens
i hate having to make small talk with people
who in all honestly don't seem that friendly
and maybe they are and its just me
the usual anti-social kid
i kinda hate always having to say no to stuff
but how could i go and smile a fake smile
and act all friendly
but maybe i should have sucked it up
and warmed up to them
just for you
just because you would have wanted me to be there
so that instead i would be with you smiling and laughing with you
and having you hold my hand
when you knew i was nervous
because you had your friends
and you always love being around them
especially having them all meet your new girlfriend
but i didn't want to be some trophy
but at the same time i wanted to be there with you
so they wouldn't have to ask for me...

learned

2008-04-29T17:16:00.000-04:00

There were times that I should have been hiding in the library behind books
times i should have stayed up in the comfort of the light of my laptop
only listening to the music that the keys made as i typed english papers
there were times i should have been reading my notes
memorizing and understanding facts for an energy class

but instead i gambled with my dreams
and went for something more closer to me
you

i traded away the light of my laptop
for the light in your brown eyes
and the rhythm that you breathing made
i forgot about my books
and choose instead to curl up in your arms
while you feed me Hagen-Daz mango ice cream

i ocassionaly forgot that i am one that needs much sleep
so i would leave the solace of my twin bed
to stay at your place
just so i could do
what i never did by myself
stay up on a school night until 3 or 4 am
just to talk with you

i have always had my books
always wanted to be the best in my classes
perhaps not even the best
but striving for a number
that magical number that somehow would make me feel good about myself
but i have never had someone like you in my life

so although i have not given up
at all on my dreams of being a better student
a faster learner
i have for once experienced being close to someone
going on dates
spending entire mornings
watching the sun come up
wanting nothing more than to just be lazy and enjoy the comfort of your arms
just laughing at the silliest things
while learning what its like to have a true relationship
that is built on actual time spent together
instead of letters and phone calls
not there is something wrong with that
but at times i don't have space for words
just one look into my eyes
can tell you that something isn't quite right
its like being with you time stops
and i have forgotten about my to-do list

and you have done it for me
because although at the end of the summer you will leave
i will have another 6 semesters to achieve what i want
but i wont ever get the chance to wrap myself up in your arms and kisses
and if i dont learn what its like to not
break hearts & lie
then when else will i learn that in honesty
i can make relationships work
when else will i have such an opportunity in front of me?

so i have traded these cold books
for the warmth and the intricacy of your palms
i have stepped out of lines in black against white against white paper
to just lay down and listen to the world around me for a bit
and that is a lesson no book or class could teach me

Apology I

2008-04-06T22:39:00.000-04:00

A single smile is perhaps the best memory i have of you but now i can only imagine the sadness in your dark brown eyes and i must say that I'm sorry i am sorry that i could not be the stability you wanted me to be that i promised you the earth, stars and the moon but couldn't even point you in that direction if my life depended on it I'm sorry that for too long i believed that i could change your life
the way i was with just sprinkling a love that now kills me to say perhaps was never really there because only now that you are not here and that my confusion can't hurt you can i say that had i not been so young i would have blamed myself entirely for the way these last six years between you and I have turned out but at 12, how could i possibly have known any better? that as a child i bred this cult of loving you of believing that this would be the most beautiful of loves after all we are children with very similar beginnings
how could i not dream
of wedding pictures illuminating
the cradle of our family's lifeline
how could i not dream of returning to the sky that saw us grow up
and eat from the same mango trees
and only now do i realize
that was the child in me
wanting to have the perfect marriage my parents did not have
the marriage that your parents did not have
how could i not dream of beautiful children
with locks of brown hair
and simple smiles
for the last six years of my life
this dream of you and I

has been the smallest drop of stability that i have held onto
and only now do i realize
that i bred a love
i could not cultivate
we once talked of planting peach pits
how sometimes they would spring up
and we wouldn't even know
but now six years down the line
we know that this was not one of those moments
because instead of giving you clear blue water
i gave you the salty tears
i kept inside of myself
i bathed myself under your insecurities
and did not offer you
what i should have offered you

a true love that would have overcome everything...
and for that i am sorry